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Relaxed Domination
"The key issue in avoiding this situation is
for the Master to feel free to dominate in
any way he desires"


A key factor in succeeding with BDSM is that the dominant feels truly relaxed with his domination. That he can define it without judging for hours about how the submissive will respond to each and every single bit of it. That he is free to define dominance that isn't necessarily what the submissive desires. That his dominance can be rough, fun, charming, evil or even that it can be non-existent till he desires otherwise. That he can do whatever he wants cause (and this sounds more obvious than it's often experienced in real life) he is in charge and supposed to do so!

If the dominant doesn't feel this freedom he ends up being a pleaser - a tool for the submissive to use in her explorations of her desire to submit - which is the opposite of what she really needs: a dominant that takes charge.

Attempting to seek the safe areas, exploring only what you know for sure will turn out as a positive experience for both parties, will lead to failure. For one thing it becomes fairly predictable what will happen. The butterflies in the tummy stop waving their wings. The submissive fire slowly dies out. A second effect is that the dominant eventually feels his limitation. He doesn't feel that he is really in charge or he feels it's all being boiled down to a play. He is reduced to an actor playing the role of a Master, and that may work for a time, but in the long run, he will loose it. He will no longer see the beauty of his slave's total acceptance even of his failures. The relationship will become empty and all of a sudden he will catch himself saying "David Letterman really isn't that bad for a Saturday night".

His slave isn't really submitting to him - rather she's submitting to her own desire to do so which in turn means that he isn't on top. The outcome is pretty empty: a slave that isn't really submitting is being commanded by a Master that isn't really dominating.

I am not saying that a dominant shouldn't pay attention to his slave's needs or wants - on the contrary - however, he should not do so to an extent where he ends up being a tool for the submissives (extended) masturbation fantasies.

The key issue in avoiding this situation is for the Master to feel free to dominate in any way he desires (with very few limits to face). He needs to feel free to be rough, painful, fun, boring, pleasing or WHATEVER! The day he starts limiting himself because the outcome may not be a big-time-hand-clapping-standing-ovation-success - that's when the relationship will die.

2001 Cadabra

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