i would give my very soul
to have back those few minutes
i let my fear cloud my eyes...
The eyes see things that are not there....
make connections that do not exist...
bring fear when there is no need...
The brain makes things appear as they are not...
moves pieces about to form what it must,
to protect ourselves, to keep us from the fear.
The fear of opening too much,
of revealing too deeply...
of being vulnerable to another's presence.
We put up walls that take months and years to blast away. Huge boulders that must be chipped away piece by piece, until they are dust at our feet. And yet, it seems with each blast, with the dusting of each rock, comes the arrival of another. Each one smaller than the one before, but so much denser. So much harder, from the years of honing and perfecting it, to protect the very soul of a person.
Then one day, someone comes into your life, and begins chipping away at the stones. As each one is uncovered, fear creeps back in. It clouds the thinking of the brain and the seeing of the eyes, yet, it cannot touch the heart, the soul. It is a balance of the eyes and the heart that must be acheived, in order to live happily. When one lets the balance be tipped, it is the heart that hurts, and another stone is added to the soul. It must be broken down again, to find the balance that brings happiness.
The stones that were broken down for me this last week were tremendous boulders which lay in dust at my feet. Fear clouded my brain, it took my sight...it made me see things that were not there, and for this, my heart aches with emptiness. Rather not emptiness, but with pain. The pain i have caused another resides deep in my heart. It washes the fear from my eyes with harsh tears. Replacing it with the greatest fear of all...that of losing Your care, Your trust.
I would give my very soul to have back those few minutes of impetuousness, those few minutes that i let my fear cloud my eyes, and take the balance from my soul. But I cannot. The moment is gone, yet the pain lingers. I cry out in the empty room...'WHY?
.....and the answer is always the same.
I looked with my eyes, instead of my heart...
and now the balance is tipped.
© 2000 indigo
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